Perspective

 

About a month ago I started visiting a lady who lives at a near by nursing home.  I was a little anxious about it; would it be boring? Would I find myself creeped out by all the super-duper elderly people there, you know that feeling that the veil is as close as the nearest wheel chair bound 100 year old person? I’ve decided to embrace an attitude of accepting that there wil be things that scare me, there will be things that make me nervous, and those are pretty much the things I need to try at least once. So, I mustered up my courage and drove over there.  I couldn’t have been more wrong than if I was worried the denizens of the nursing home had tails and swam through the air to get to their rooms.

I was greeted by a trio of gals who were sitting at the end of the hall, a large picture window framing them, in what they call their front parlor.  I introduced myself and then we hit the ground running, talking and laughing like we had known eachother forever and a day.  I’ve been back every Thursday and coudn’t be more glad about that. I can’t  imagine a Thursday without Miss Dora and her posse.

This past Thursday was just her and I; we sat and talked about the weather, how much she likes grits and wished the kitchen at the nursing home made grits like her mom used to.  And then she said to me, “Every night we rush through dinner.”  I thought she meant because the food was so bad and asked about that. She smiled and nodded no, continuing…

                              “We all rush to the window, none of us want to miss the sunset.  It’s just so beautiful. Why would anyone not  take the time to be a part of such wonder?” 

I imagine them; by shuffle, by walker, and by wheels they race to the the window. To be a part of something bigger than themselves, something so beautiful and wonderful.  It gives me pause…Once more I am thankful for courage, for the desire to test the waters outside of my comfort zone, and be a part of something so much better and more beautiful than myself…I spend Thursday mornings with just about the wisest person I know.  Because it’s best to stop. Breath. Smile. And remember, life is beautiful.

Wishes for the Was-Band

Pretty much sums up everything, Mr. Sinatra just delivers the message in such a perfect way…far better than I could ever do. This is where I am and this is what I wish for the was-band.

Okey Dokey

A few days ago, a friend and I were discussing my future status of single-ness…something that is just a few breaths away really, less than 90 days.  I was laughing about the absurdity of the whole thing, that for anyone who knows me and my recent past knows my life has fairly well been like that of a single person…minus the niggling little marriage certificate thing…when she said…

“I want you to come over, I’ll do your hair and makeup and let’s get you in some tighter clothing…I want to take you out dancing too.” For anyone who has seen me in person can attest, I would look like a complete idiot with more makeup,less clothing, and dancing for all to see…picture cookie monster in false eyelashes doing the hokey pokey.

I’ve thought a lot about that comment, I know she was well meaning in each and every word…she wants me to be happy, she wants me to find someone who makes me smile…on the basest of levels she wants to help me get laid…but, I’ve spent the last 10 years feeling inadequate in this realm…am I too fat? am I not pretty? am I one of the plain and lonely people? am  I basically unlovable and untouchable?

Why should I need to dress up like someone I’m completely not, to please someone I don’t even know? If someone is going to adore me, I want it to be for just that…me.

I almost went down the nasty rabbit hoel of “Maybe I should change everything…maybe I should attempt to be all the things I’m apparently not and then I just stopped. Smiled and realized I’ve found myself in the most unusual place…someplace where I’m pleased as punch to be  just me.  As Marilyn Monroe once remarked:

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” 

And Then There Were Three

It’s rather funny; throughout the last few years it never occurred to me that my soon to be was-band was as unhappy as the kids and I have been.  I’m not certain why that hadn’t come to mind all this time, why I was so certain we were the ones suffering, the ones struggling to find our footing.  All this time he has felt like he’s been in limbo, trapped between worlds and not knowing what to do.  He and I are very different people, he the sort that walks away and ignores the issue…hoping that everything will work itself out without him. I on the other hand, am not so poised and patient.  I rail and flail, vent and screech if I must…I can not abide  waiting for things to work themselves out…as I’m certain I can find the answer…the solution. It’s no surpise this whole ‘happily ever after thing’ didn’t work out as we thought it might. Strangely enough, that’s okay.  We are finally in a place that is honest, authentic and that’s a very good place to be.

 

The future lies ahead, all bright and full of promise…it’s scary and makes me anxious at times…other times I can hardly wait…if I tell my self enough I’m bound to believe, that I’m the sort of gal that thrives on challenges and has the  interpid heart of an explorer. (I’m watching copious amounts of Dr. Who and Voyager to prepare for diving head first into the unknown..now if I only had a TARDIS or spade ship).