A few days ago, a friend and I were discussing my future status of single-ness…something that is just a few breaths away really, less than 90 days. I was laughing about the absurdity of the whole thing, that for anyone who knows me and my recent past knows my life has fairly well been like that of a single person…minus the niggling little marriage certificate thing…when she said…
“I want you to come over, I’ll do your hair and makeup and let’s get you in some tighter clothing…I want to take you out dancing too.” For anyone who has seen me in person can attest, I would look like a complete idiot with more makeup,less clothing, and dancing for all to see…picture cookie monster in false eyelashes doing the hokey pokey.
I’ve thought a lot about that comment, I know she was well meaning in each and every word…she wants me to be happy, she wants me to find someone who makes me smile…on the basest of levels she wants to help me get laid…but, I’ve spent the last 10 years feeling inadequate in this realm…am I too fat? am I not pretty? am I one of the plain and lonely people? am I basically unlovable and untouchable?
Why should I need to dress up like someone I’m completely not, to please someone I don’t even know? If someone is going to adore me, I want it to be for just that…me.
I almost went down the nasty rabbit hoel of “Maybe I should change everything…maybe I should attempt to be all the things I’m apparently not and then I just stopped. Smiled and realized I’ve found myself in the most unusual place…someplace where I’m pleased as punch to be just me. As Marilyn Monroe once remarked:
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”