Fear has been a constant companion in my life. For much of the years I’ve spent knocking about this planet, I’ve allowed fear to dictate what I would and would not do. I used to be terrified of driving, preferring to be the passenger with anyone willing to drive me where I wanted to go. It occurred to be at some point that I trusted other people more than I trusted myself…how idiotic is that??? Then I found myself in Oklahoma with a newborn and toddler. My then-husband was sent away for a 3 month boot camp and I was alone, without a single friend or acquaintance (well, there was the 90 million year old Korean lady that would bring her herd of Chihuahuas to my house around midnight to steal my herb plants, but I’m fairly certain she wouldn’t have driven me anywhere). I had to step up and get over that driving fear, because I quickly learned that the gas station down the block didn’t carry diapers, formula, or very much food. We three couldn’t live on Snickers and Coke for very long. And that’s pretty much how I’ve conquered fears, necessity trumping the fear and my just dealing with it. Until 2 1/2 years ago…
I realized there were always things that would scare me, always things that I was certain I couldn’t do. But, instead of asking “Why me?” I started to embrace, “Why not me?”
I also had to accept that to build the life I dreamed of I had to rely on my village. Hilary Clinton once said it takes a village to raise a child. Let me tell you it also takes a village to help heal a broken heart, build a life of smiles and meaning, and it takes a village to help you on the journey. Without Weight Watchers and it’s amazing staff I never would have had the confidence to believe I could be someone other thatn the chunky girl. And once I began working for them, I was shocked and pleased at the confidence I found within myself. Without my pastor I wouldn’t have believed anyone would lovee me for simply being me. Without my Tarot adviser I would never have trusted the future. Without my friends, old and new but all dear, I would have never dared to sing on the stage or run a single race.
And now, my village widens and deepens…I start back to college in the spring…me! The gal that never felt smart enough or worth enough…I’m terrifed of math, but I decided that failure wasn’t an option. I’m going to pass math with flying colors…the same way I learned to drive…the same way I started a new life…by putting my big girls panties on and trusting my wonderful village.